Unfinished Rankings

Drumroll please…

It has finally come time to release the results of this year’s sibling net worth evaluations. I appreciate your patience, and assure you that I have a perfectly legitimate reason for the delay; however if Mark’s multiple stints in Kindergarten can teach us anything, it’s that good things come to those who wait… and wait… and frequently visit the “snack station”. But I digress.

Considering this year’s additions to the family, both blood and “outlaw”, this year has definitely proved to be a more challenging task than last. I am confident however that I have judged each of you MORE than fairly. So, that being said, let us begin:


Emily:
This year, Emily, the eldest and perhaps smartest daughter has, like her older brothers, joined the ranks of the engaged/married sibs. While this scores her some points with the ‘Rents, who are tickled to tears (believe me, I was an unfortunate witness to Mom’s “cryfest 2008” at the bridal parlor) with her upcoming wedding, we can’t overlook the hideous amounts of money we will all need to spend to celebrate her wedding- not only once, but TWICE in two cities 2,000 miles apart. *Let me take this time to say while she may think she is the “smartest sib”, none of us are falling for this trick, and she’s only receiving one gift from each of us. In any case, perhaps we should be fair and wait to deduct Emily points for the “two-fer” wedding arrangement next year. As far as past and present is concerned, Emily is coming closer, yet has failed to overcome the net value hit she took when she cold-heartedly hid her sister’s shoes causing her to be grounded all summer for losing them. (No, I’m not over it.) On the positive side, Emily scored some major points last summer when she valiantly took on the asshole DJ at the 3rd of July party, asking him quote “what’s your f***ing problem?” Based upon the sheer joy this brought to her sister, the Christmas cheemeister has graciously chosen to overlook the fact that this was yelled within earshot of over 10 children under the age of 13.
Net worth: $40

Cort:
While it may seem Cort has been around forever, she has only just begun her journey as a Sketch “Outlaw”. Again, it has taken a bit longer for Mark to figure out what everyone else had long figured out… She’s the one. (Just Mark proving again that good things come to those who wait… and wait… and wait.) Still, there is much that the cheermeister has yet to come to know about Cort, in terms of her true downfalls that can be exaggerated and exploited and used at her expense. In any case, I must judge on what I know… While Cort has been waiting far too long for a wedding of her own, she has made good use of the weddings of others. For example, when Emily and Maggie woke up the morning of Todd and Becca’s wedding, disheveled and without a clue of how to put themselves together, Cort pulled out her magic bag o’ glam and whipped the Sketch sisters (we’re talking hair, makeup, and accessories) into a presentable state. Also, anyone crazy enough to put up with Mark “One Fish is thinkin’ of a half a fish” Sketch, deserves a medal. This being said, all the positives in the world cannot cover up her allegiance to a certain crappy team that has always been crappy and will always be crappy. In fact, I would argue that anyone who values the Cleveland Browns must not value themselves and thus must not deserve to be valued. (That came out a lot meaner than I expected it to.)
Net worth: $32


Todd:
So it’s true, Todd may be half of the reason the first grandchild has been brought into the family, but let’s not get carried away, Becca did all the work.