Nothing from nothing leaves nothing

Police Officer: "Do you know you could have killed me just now?"
Me: "But sir, I was merging onto the highway. The lane was ending. I had had my blinker on for over a hundred feet."
PO: "Oh, so just because you have a blinker on that means you can barrel into oncoming traffic?"
Me: "But where else would I go?"
PO: "You interfered with police business. I was just about to pull over that white SUV, when you almost killed us all."
Me: (thinking) It was definitely a silver Mazda hatchback that I merged behind.
PO: "I can cite you for this. It's called 'unsafe lane change.' License and proof of insurance please."
Me: (fumbling) "Here's the license, I can't seem to locate my insurance card."
PO: "Nevermind. I'll be right back."
...
PO: "Well today's your lucky day. I can't get the printer to work, so I can't give you a ticket."
Me: (by this time properly chastened, but secretly vindicated) "Yes, officer."



Zach: "Oh, a bunch of mail came for you today. I don't know if it's anything you want. But there's this one from a law firm."
Me: (looking for wedding sites online) "Huh"
Zach: "Yeah, it's one of those mass mailings saying that this firm will represent you in your traffic case."
Me: (Still not interested) "Really."
Zach: "The weird part is, they know that you were pulled over for an... 'unsafe lane change'?"
Me: What the fuck?...I can't believe this!...They can't do that!...Can they do that?...I am so upset...I really don't need this right now, with the wedding, and I can't take off work, but I don't want to take defensive driving, I didn't even do anything!
(I leave the room in tears)
Zach:"So what should I do with the rest of the mail?"
...



Me:"Hi, I need to discuss a traffic citation that is apparently in the system but I never received a ticket."
Operator: "Well we're just going to have to wait until we receive a copy of the ticket."
Me: "I'm pretty sure you are not going to receive one because a ticket was never printed."
Operator:"Okay, well there's nothing I can do until I receive the ticket in the mail."
Me:"But I don't think you will."
Operator: "Please call back on Friday."



Me: "Hello. I need some information about a traffic case."
Operator: "Oh yes, I remember talking to you earlier in the week. We haven't received the ticket yet."
Me:"Um, there is no ticket."
Operator: "Please hold"
...
Operator:"Nope, I just checked. The ticket didn't come in today's batch. But we get them all the time. Loads of them everyday."
Me: "Let's just say, hypothetically, that you never receive the ticket, ever. What would happen then?"
Operator: "Well, you'd still have to come in for your court date. I guess you could dispute the ticket and take it to trial."
Me: "I hate my life." (under my breath)
Operator: "Excuse me?"
Me: "Nothing."